We root out wrongdoing and we represent the Queen. Can we have our gear back please?
• No stone is left unturned, as officials delve into the torture of "terrorist suspects" by shadowy forces in Iraq. The Royal Military police is tasked with carrying out an investigation and it arranges to conduct lengthy interviews with the alleged victims of abuse. Not in Iraq, that might be dangerous and anyway neutral territory might be better. Somewhere nearby. Beirut. So the alleged victims travel there and the team from the military police heads there too. But they will reflect that it might have been better to have made the Lebanese authorities fully aware of what they were doing. Might have been better to have declared all the sophisticated audio/visual equipment they carried with them. Then they might not have suffered the indignity of having it immediately impounded. Might have been better to have had a preparatory chat with the Lebanese army. In that event, they might have been able to get on with the job, and an irate, suspicious Lebanese general might not have turned up at their hotel to confront them in a tank. A poor start, but a Lebanese judge now seeks to unravel the mess. One way or another, truth will out.
• Turmoil in Bahrain where, following pro-democracy protests, the authorities confirm at least three dead and 231 injured. Worldwide condemnation. Someone has to put things in perspective. Call for David Mellor. "The British government should be understanding of the problems of Bahrain," said the Conservative disciple of realpolitik, as the headcracking continued in Pearl Square and the injured were being ferried to hospital. "Bahrain is a stalwart friend of Britain," he told the BBC's Today programme. He was, at least, upfront with the Radio 4 show about his strong links to the country. But they have killed people, protested presenter Justin Webb. "I can't comment on that and neither can you because you weren't there," Mellor said. The deaths are "regrettable". But how much worse if Bahrain fell under the influence of Iran. He might not be feted there, as he was last year at a "gentlemen's dinner" event staged by the Bahrain True Blues at the British Club. He was also pencilled in to do the dignitary thing at the Bahrain grand prix.
• But will anyone else speak up for the Bahraini royal family now that the military is moving to tighten its grip. Why yes. For just yesterday PR types Bell Pottinger reminded everyone about his excellency's most excellent reform programme. In a crisis, one can rely on the Tory peer Lord Bell.
• Trouble outside the Con-Dem castle walls, trouble within, as the cuts place strains on the relationship between civil servants and their management. In Kent the air is soured by the dismissal of union officials Mark Hammond and Sue Kendal. They claim they are being unfairly held responsible for a document which allegedly compared a senior manager to the Bride of Chucky. This sets a worrying precedent, the union says, because neither official wrote the document. And not least because two other managers are known to all as the White Witch and Penfold – Dangermouse's geeky sidekick. Normally such things would not trouble Sir Gus O'Donnell, head of the civil service, but it did cross his radar on Wednesday as colleagues loyal to the union officials staged a protest at the Home Office. Unaware of the kerfuffle but recognising Hammond, Sir Gus breezed up to the focus of the demonstration. "How are you?" he asked warmly. "Not very good," replied Hammond. "And can I have my job back please."
• Finally, we think we know Steven Berkoff; star of stage, star of Hollywood. Who knew he trained to go into space? This is what he told the Stage. "I went over and worked in Houston for a while, and did the groundwork in those cubicles and in weightlessness – and they said, 'it's a pity – you're just maybe five years too old'. And I've regretted it ever since. But now it's too late." It's a tale of hopes dashed, credulity stretched, for once the interview was over, writer Maria Hodson received a frantic email from Berkoff's publicist. You did know he was joking, he said anxiously. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he just flew too high and breathed the air.