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How to make friends in the exercise yard. Lord Taylor's got it cracked
• As he adjusts from life in the controlled environment that is the House of Lords to a good few months in the controlled environment that is Her Majesty's prison, Lord Taylor of Warwick – the latest jailed expenses fiddler – can at least tell his fellow inmates that he always had their interests at heart. His last parliamentary question: "To ask Her Majesty's government what plans they have to give prisoners the vote." Proof that there were days when the ignoble lord thought of someone other than himself.
• And strange, is it not, that Lord Taylor will be able to do his time, keep his peerage and, if it suits, return to the red benches. Lord Archer kept his; many would argue that he should never have had it in the first place. But at least his lies related to matters away from Westminster. Isn't it a rum do that Lord Taylor, and presumably Lord Hanningfield, retain their positions despite having defrauded the parliamentary system itself?
• But then, life is full of surprises. Imagine Today presenter James Naughtie's surprise yesterday morning on learning that underneath the prominent Scottishness, he's really English. Tests on his DNA showed his origins to be Anglo Saxon. "He's English," chirped Humphrys triumphantly. "At least I'm not Welsh," Naughtie shot back. "He's one of those little black gnomes from Brittany," jibed Naughtie at his sparring partner. "I'm going to go to the CRE," threatened Humphrys. "Someone make the call for me." Good fun for all but the English perhaps. For having digested the bad news, Naughtie received from an anthropologist some advice on what it takes to be English. Just be chronically socially inhibited, she said. Socially challenged, a bit autistic, a bit agoraphobic. Greet every reverse with the exclamation "Typical!". It's easy.
• Meanwhile in France, a couple of papers, including France Soir, finally ventilate the mad rumours that the CIA plotted Dominique Strauss-Kahn's downfall. They do so in order to laugh at DSK's Paris communications agency personnel, alleging that the hopeless firm of spinners are behind the kooky tales. The theory is that American plotters wanted to get an orthodox rightwinger in at the IMF, judging DSK as too lefty and too pro-euro. They supposedly knew DSK made a habit of chasing Sofitel staff and so set up the sting, removing him from both the IMF and ending any hopes he might have had of becoming president. Fanciful, yes, but then they are different on the other side of the Channel. How many French voters think DSK is a victim of a plot? Fifty-seven percent.
• But then people think all kinds of things. Look at electrical giant Philips. It has convened a panel to consider the challenges of creating "liveable cities". Pride of place, according to the company, goes to "Sir Ken Livingstone, former mayor of London". Don't panic, it's a mistake. No prospect of a knighthood for the artist formerly known as "Red Ken". At least, not yet.
• So it is to be the battle of the books; two literary heavyweights in the market place. Get ready to rumble Nigel Farage, Ukip leader, whose memoir Fighting Bull charts the birth of Ukip. And ready to launch, those three novels we mentioned yesterday, a political trilogy from Farage's ex sparring partner, the ever reddy Robert Kilroy-Silk. Farage was first to publish – his masterwork came out just before the last general election – but there are grumblings from his camp that the book has never quite gained the lift-off it deserves because it lacks promotion. Ukip recently gave away 10 copies as prizes in its spring raffle. Almost as many giveaways as sales, wags say.
• Finally, we referred yesterday to the writer/broadcaster Matthew Parris and his strategy for success. "If you don't succeed at first, then by all means give it a really good go, but then give up and try something else," he said. Which makes him a wit, but also an unlikely standard bearer for WC Fields. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it," the great man said. WC knew his limits. They just didn't apply to women and drink.