Hard to feel anything but sympathy for Vince Cable, really. But Jeremy Hunt loves a challenge
• To the Commons press gallery yesterday, where the chair, BBC presenter Carolyn Quinn, was understandably nervous about introducing this month's ministerial lunch guest, Jeremy Hunt. It was a bit like Bridget Jones struggling not to introduce a Mr FitzHerbert as "Mr TitsPervert", the Radio 4 presenter said. And the culture secretary himself was in sparkling form, cheered perhaps by the difficulties engulfing his colleague Voldemort Lansley, whom some say he might soon supplant. Hunt even managed a joke about Vince Cable's Press Complaints Commission ruling over the Daily Telegraph sting and Max Mosley's defeat on privacy in the European court of human rights. Neither case is connected, Hunt emphasised. "One was about two women paid to go into a room and tie an old man into knots. The other was about Max Mosley." Harsh, but then the gloves are off and it'll get a laugh in cabinet.
• The world's problems land on the desk of international development secretary Andrew Mitchell. Poor guy. He's rushed off his feet. And one more item for his in-tray, this time a bit closer to home. For officials, ever mindful of the need to achieve best value, have re-tendered the departmental coffee contract. The winner, charged with the task of keeping everyone alert and awake, is Costa Coffee. That's fine. Their stuff's quite drinkable. But alas, it isn't fair trade; it's coffee sourced by the Rainforest Alliance. This matters among developmental types who tend to favour one or the other. Lots of muttering in the corridors. Words like "sell-out" and worse. Needs sorting out, and quickly. Mandarins can't save the world if they are craving caffeine.
• Meanwhile, Bin Laden has been shot dead, the world is in flux, al-Qaida is threatening reprisals. Ping: an email arrives with the good news. "Fears of reprisals in the wake of Bin Laden's killing mean that construction will have to factor in terrorist-proofing on all significant newbuild offices from now on, according to double Queen's Award-winning contractors, Alumet. It has created the award-winning Able (Avon Beam Lightweight Enhanced) anti-bomb system, for which innovation it won its second Queen's Award. The system is proven to work and is believed to be the only one of its kind in the world." You know that silver lining? They built that, too.
• Nick Clegg's topspin in defence of Sheffield city council's dodgy 2011 budget didn't save the ruling Lib Dem group in last week's elections. And now in greater peril is Sheffield Hallam's adopted son, Clegg himself. In the bad old days, posh Hallam was a safe Tory seat. Clegg bagged it, but now he's in trouble. The Hallam Tories, meanwhile, are in disarray. So who could be the unifying anti-Clegg candidate, its Martin Bell in a white suit? One brainstorming session in the city came up with popular Hallam-born Michael Palin. Poor Michael. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
• Finally, it has taken two months and a lot of soul-searching. But the world is probably a better place now that Jacqueline Howett, the British author who made herself an internet sensation by throwing every conceivable toy out of the pram and telling critics of her book to "fuck off", has made peace with them and herself. Following her infamous tirade in March, when she also branded an American reviewer of The Greek Seaman "a big rat and a snake with poisonous venom", we got in touch with Jacqueline, who lives in Florida, wondering "if, in hindsight, you feel you might have slightly over-reacted?" Finally, this week, we heard back. She certainly does regret it now. "I am so sorry, really, that you all had to hear me swear in public online," says Jacqueline. "I usually don't like swearing. So here you have it, my viral apology. My public acting-out was a mistake." She doesn't want to be seen as a trendsetter: "I'm hearing lately it's now the fashionable in-thing for writers to do, to drop the F-bomb." She was, she explains, a newbie, "wet behind the ears", unused to the horrors of the cyber bearpit. And perhaps she was. Still – book's selling well.