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Lucy Mangan on the people in the media spotlight in the past seven days
Tried, failed
Jacques Chirac
The mills of French justice grind slowly – and sometimes they come to a complete stop. The former president was on trial for fraud. He was accused of using his time as mayor of Paris in the 80s and 90s to funnel council jobs to party members in order to make his passage to governmental greatness smoother than a fine Merlot.
The trial has now been halted after his co-defendants claimed that the case breached their human rights because it dates back so far. It is 16 years since the alleged crimes were committed. This is of course largely thanks to the 12-year dose of presidential immunity that protected Chirac until he stepped down in 2007. Au fond, une ironie très amusante, non?
Chat attack
Matt Baker
The former Blue Peter presenter, co-host of Countryfile, runner-up in last year's Strictly Come Dancing and co-presenter of The One Show stood revealed this week on the latter as a smiling assassin. In the closing moments of an interview with David Cameron so cosy that kittens almost started growing out of the sofa, Baker suddenly asked "So, just very quickly – how on earth do you sleep at night?" Co-kitten breeder Alex Jones gasped. The PM's hamface didn't move while his brain discarded his instinctive response ("I'm such a monster my crimes don't matter to me") in favour of some gubbins about working hard during the day ensuring safe delivery into the arms of Morpheus by night.
Speculation will surely rage for ever. Did Baker simply cast a sympathetic enquiry into our leader's stress management techniques into an unfortunate turn of phrase? Or is he secretly a political mastermind, looking to bring down the established order on primetime live TV? And must we now regard Richard Madeley's career with a new and keenly appraising eye? Watch this space.
He's happy and he knows it
Alvin Wong
Meet Mr Wong. He's the happiest man in America – which is to say, of course, that he is the happiest man in the world! Statistical jiggery-pokery from Gallup concluded that a tall, married with children, Asian-American, observant Jew of over 65, living in Hawaii and running his own business with an income of over $120,000 a year would be the most content person alive today. And lo, the New York Times found him. And Mr Wong agrees that yes, he is pretty goddamned happy.
So now we know. Everybody get to work on converting your religion, ethnic heritage, marital and employment status and I'll meet you in Hawaii. Aloha!
What we've learned
• Nearly a third of homeowners have overpaid on their mortgages in the last year
• 20% of people eat their evening meals in front of their computers
• The first Spider-Man comic ever published has been sold for $1.1m
• There are now more Subway sandwich outlets than McDonald's
• Petrol is £6/gallon for the first time ever
… and what we haven't
• Precisely what form of celebration should greet the news that Phil Collins is retiring from music
What they said
"Sometimes it hurts. But you've got to get up afterwards and make the best of it." David Miliband, on life. I still wouldn't relax just yet, though, Ed.
"Prince Andrew, are you an embarrassment, sir?" BBC political broadcaster Michael Crick cuts to the chase.
"It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension." Charlie Sheen, the tabloid gift that keeps on giving.