Is it wrong to kneecap a squirrel? The one terrorising my back yard needs to be brought down a peg or two somehow
Is it wrong to kneecap a squirrel? I'm involved in a vicious war of attrition with a local bushy-tailed rodent – or Sciurus carolinensis, to give it its Latin name. First, it stole the fat-ball I'd left out for the birds, carrying it aloft in both paws like a Premier League thug doing a victory lap around the Emirates stadium. Then it went for the peanuts: up a pole, through a holly bush and straight over some fine netting like Christ walking on water.
Then came the saga of the wire sunflower-shaped novelty nut holder. We bought it. We put in the nuts. We screwed the thing into place. Sciurus carolinensis wrenched the two discs of the sunflower apart. When I confronted it one morning, it stood up on its hind legs, put one paw on its hip, looked me straight in the eye and held out its other paw for a nut as though it was a feudal lord demanding land tax off a villein. I refused. The next day I found a dead rat on the patio. It had no visible injuries. Dodgy? Sciurus carolinensis, I'm looking at you.
I see now exactly how neighbourhoods go downhill. All it takes is one bully to inspire the others. Take our bird bath. Once, sweet little blue tits would have a dainty mid-morning splash. Then a robin chased them off. Then a magpie chased the robin off. Now the region's terrorised by a huge grey pigeon resembling a vast stoneware teapot by Denby.
It's been fascinating watching this survival game playing out on my back porch. But Mother Nature won't be laughing when, come Easter, I'm indoors wearing a squirrel cap, tucking into robin pie, watched impassively from the sideboard by a taxidermied pigeon.